Here's What's in My Dirty Martini

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

A Few Good Men - My Day At Work

Since retiring from the Navy I have found myself in the mysterious world of sales. For the first six years I sold software and for the last four I have been selling services (people). It’s a completely different mentality than flying jets in the Navy.

Out here there are two sides of the equation – those of us that bring in revenue (sales reps and Business Developers) and those that depend upon that revenue (Finance and Accounting – F&A). I'm a Business Developer.

Here is a meeting I had today with them set to the tone of the movie "A Few Good Men".

F&A: “I still need clarification on this expense report.”

Me: "You want answers?"

F&A: "I think we are entitled to them!"

Me: "You want answers?!"

F&A: "I want the truth!"

Me: "You can't handle the truth!!!"

Me (continuing): "Lady, we live in a world that requires revenue. And that revenue must be brought in by people with elite skills. Who's going to find it? You? You, Ms. Finance and Accounting? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

You scoff at Business Development and you curse our lucrative incentives. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know: that while the cost of business results are excessive, it drives in revenue. And my very existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, drives REVENUE!

You don't want to know the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at staff meetings ... you want me on that call. You NEED me on that call!

We use words like Long Term Agreements, Productivity Improvements, discounts, Just In Time, global purchase agreements. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent negotiating something. You use them as a punch line!

I have neither the time nor inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of revenue I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a phone and make some sales calls. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!"

F&A: "Did you expense the lap dances?"

Me: "I did the job I was hired to do."

F&A: "Did you expense the lap dances?"

Me: "You're goddamn right I did!"


Key Lime Martini Recipe

Graham cracker crumbs, for rimming the glass
2 lime wedges
6 Tbs. vanilla flavored vodka
¼ cup key lime liqueur
2 Tbs. pineapple juice
2 Tbs. heavy whipping cream

Pour the graham cracker crumbs into a shallow dish. Rub a lime wedge around the edge of a martini glass and roll the edge in the graham cracker crumbs. Chill the glass for 30 minutes or until ready to serve.

Combine the vodka, key lime liqueur, pineapple juice and cream in a shaker. Fill the shaker half full with ice and shake until COLD. Pour into prepared martini glass, garnish with a lime wedge and serve immediately.

This was not plagiarized. This was composed using repeatable best practices. They're just words.


William Stout said...

Well done. That post will be a classic!

Larry said...

LOL. Not to inject unnecessary seriousness (seriousity?), but take a look at the Foreign Corrupt Businesses Act, which prohibits American businesses from engaging in bribery and kickbacks, as well as other practices considered normal in most places around the world.

this is not just in reference to governments or US government contractorsd, either. Private companies doing business with other private firms.

A-6Dude said...

Larry, I will look it up. The lap dance was for me this time. I needed comfort ;-)